My last pregnancy was our first shot at IVF. I miscarried at 8 weeks and neither we nor the doctors have any idea why (full disclosure, I’ve chosen not to look for a reason). We are running out of options and up against our self imposed boundaries. It is scary and beyond painful. I cry. Daily.

I also think my life is fabulous. Daily.

The beautiful and the agonizing live next door.  On occasion they even move right in together, because sometimes we just can’t have one without the other.

We started a gratitude jar (stolen idea from Elizabeth Gilbert) this year.  It’s just a plain old jar sitting on our kitchen counter.  We use scrap pieces of paper to write down one thing we are grateful for at the end of each day.  I’ve been reluctant to do this for years.  First off, I didn’t think I would actually do it each day. And I don’t, but who cares! I’m at about 85% and climbing :). Second, ONE THING?!? One thing to be grateful for was so insignificant. I wanted more, more, more.  But, this year I was spending New Year’s Eve recovering from a D&C procedure. I figured one thing a day would be an excellent and possibly even lofty goal.

Funny thing happened — I started paying more attention to the things I was grateful for, analyzing what would be worthy of the jar.  I found things I was grateful for each day. All. Day. Long.  Sometimes it has been really small things, like the fact that it was still light out when I was leaving work.  Sometimes it has been really big things, like Jason and my pups.

One thing turned out to be pretty significant.  One thing rescued my spirit.