Ahhhh…where to start? It’s been a interesting couple of years. It’s been a wonderful couple of years. It has been a berserk couple of years. After a few breakdowns, each with a personality distinctly their own, it was time to start tackling this beautiful, crazy life of mine in a healthier way.
The most poignant thing causing the desire for a change in the trajectory of my life was infertility. I desperately wanted to have a child and was doing everything in my power to make that a reality. I was failing miserably and I was absolutely losing my shit. Those two things don’t go well together–It’s not really a good idea to become responsible for another human being whilst losing your shit. So, I was at a crossroads: I needed to either abandon my quest for parenting or get it the fuck together. I chose the latter.
I started seeing a counselor and exploring my very dominant, but very suppressed creative side. I took up knitting, started painting and I found writing to be one of my greatest therapies. I’ve been accumulating the stuff I write in a folder on my desktop, ingeniously labeled “my stuff,” but I thought they needed a more fancy place to live. So, here we are…
I’ve written these posts as I’ve been inspired to – some are super long (sorry) and others are very short (your welcome). Some are no longer representative of where I am, but more where I’ve come from; it’s non-linear and sometimes quite sporadic. These words are as honest as I know to be and the feelings are raw, making this beyond difficult for me to share (I’m shaking and crying as I write this). I’m not good at sharing my pain, but someone took a leap and shared theirs when I so desperately needed it. It made me feel less alone and that is what it is all about, no? Connection.
If you stumble across this blog…I don’t need you to agree with me. I don’t even need you to understand. I do need you to be kind, read with an open mind and recognize you don’t know the whole story. This is not all there is of me and I’m a work in progress. I’m not done learning and growing and I definitely haven’t gotten it all figured out (I don’t expect to…ever), but I want to practice more vulnerability and courage. I want to be more useful and I want to help change conversations around suffering, help people feel less alone and more connected. I can only do that if I share, but know it makes me feel exposed and fragile, which I’ve fought like hell to avoid my whole life, so please handle with care :).
P.S. My grammar and spelling tends to suck…and I curse a lot…and that’s just the way it goes.