This is a re-written version of this letter to myself. I was never even a little bit kind to her. We’d been pushed together the whole of our lives without any choice at all, really. You’d think after 38 years there’d be some sort of peace offering, acceptance, or even a simple agreement. I couldn’t….

I was thoughtful this year about whether or not I feel different at 40. I was prepared for an emphatic, YES. And I planned to make a list of all the things I don’t do anymore at this age.  But, of course, it wasn’t an emphatic anything.  I don’t feel wiser or older (although occasionally…

The decision to end IVF treatments — the finality, the outright severing of any possibility to carry my own child — has broken me wide open in a way I didn’t expect, like someone just sliced me chin to waist…my breath held, mouth agape, wondering…What just happened? As if this wasn’t our decision; as if…

  Today I am dedicating my blog to National Infertility Awareness Week and to the launch of Justine Brooks Froelker’s latest book The Mother of Second Chances, based on her blog Ever Upward, released on April 17th. Justine’s first book (also Ever Upward) felt like a permission slip to walk through infertility my way; it made me feel…

  Ahhhhh….THE Question…Do you have kids? Here are some other versions: Are you planning to have kids? What are you guys waiting for? Is [child’s name] going to get a sibling soon? No kids yet? I’m sure you can’t wait for this [points to crying baby], right? Should you be concerned about asking these questions? No,…

I spent a good part of the weekend at an intense workshop focused on rising after a fall. I missed the first part of my friends 40th birthday party. I arrived drained from the emotional archaeology I’d spent 12 hours on over the course of a day and a half. I had to promptly find…

We drew a hard line at the stim phase of IVF.  It seemed too arduous a process and a natural place to stop.  We would get whatever embryos we could and if none of them worked, we would be done. We started with 18 eggs and after fertilization and testing ended up with three embryos, which…

We sat down in the coffee shop and our waiter nonchalantly asked us, “Anything big going on this week?” Jason and I both choked on our words and turned immediately to each other, a bit wide-eyed, pleading for a little help navigating this. In a barely perceptible motion I shook my head “no” and Jason…

My last pregnancy was our first shot at IVF. I miscarried at 8 weeks and neither we nor the doctors have any idea why (full disclosure, I’ve chosen not to look for a reason). We are running out of options and up against our self imposed boundaries. It is scary and beyond painful. I cry….

I’ve always wanted to be easy, non-dramatic, go with the flow.  I accomplished that to varying degrees for a long time.  I was always “fine.” Until I wasn’t.  I’ve found I have to stay away from “I’m fine” like an alcoholic has to stay away from a drink. “Fine” is so enticing for me.  Like a cosy…

My fifth pregnancy was a total surprise– we weren’t even trying. We weren’t even thinking about trying. We had stepped off the roller coaster of counting days, chlomid, and ovulation strips almost two years prior. If you haven’t had to do any magic tricks on your pregnancy journey, rock on. It sucks and the obligatory, timed out…

Sometimes when people tell me they are pregnant my whole body tenses and I reflexively suck my breath in.  It’s a 100% knee-jerk reaction. It’s fear. I’m fearful for them.  Is that not so crazy sad? Fear and heartache is what I have come to know with pregnancy. It is what I have come to feel…