“Fine” Addict

I’ve always wanted to be easy, non-dramatic, go with the flow.  I accomplished that to varying degrees for a long time.  I was always “fine.” Until I wasn’t.  I’ve found I have to stay away from “I’m fine” like an alcoholic has to stay away from a drink. “Fine” is so enticing for me.  Like a cosy…

Un-Fucking-Necessary

My fifth pregnancy was a total surprise– we weren’t even trying. We weren’t even thinking about trying. We had stepped off the roller coaster of counting days, chlomid, and ovulation strips almost two years prior. If you haven’t had to do any magic tricks on your pregnancy journey, rock on. It sucks and the obligatory, timed out…

fear

Sometimes when people tell me they are pregnant my whole body tenses and I reflexively suck my breath in.  It’s a 100% knee-jerk reaction. It’s fear. I’m fearful for them.  Is that not so crazy sad? Fear and heartache is what I have come to know with pregnancy. It is what I have come to feel…

Changing The Conversation

I’ve been stewing on this “change the miscarriage / infertility conversation” idea for a while.  This was written several months ago and directed at people who have not experienced miscarriage or infertility.  Now I think it is time to take a hard look at how those who have experienced these things are also shaping the conversation….

Sharing Pain

Pain is so messy, so unhinging, so inexplicable… I don’t think it was ever a conscious decision not to let others in on my pain. Part of it is how I am wired. The other part was learned. As a teenager and young adult, I revealed pain only when it bubbled over so much I…

We Carry Them In Our Hearts

The more we work towards having a baby, the more I think of my lost babies. After undergoing the complete scrutiny of my reproductive system and then our embryos, science tells me there were just too many flaws with both my physical makeup and the quality of the eggs. They were just never to be children of this world….

Get Out Of The Way

Recently, Jason took our pup Edie on an overnight camping trip. Our younger dog, Cooper, stayed home with me. My heart was in a million pieces watching Cooper cope. First searching the house aimlessly for them, letting out an occasional quiet whine followed by a sigh (he is very dramatic). Our long walk was a…