Mile 21

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally—mostly mentally, but I also promised this ol’ bod, no more procedures — she is D-U-N, done. I’m having trouble keeping my emotions in check due to a hormone roller coaster of stim drugs, birth control and now straight estrogen. But, I know we are close to the end. The end is coming whether we have a biological child or not. I can feel it. I need it.

I’ve likened this stage to the last 6.5 miles of a marathon. When I ran my first marathon I read somewhere the first 20 miles are just a warm up; the last 6.5 are the race. It all comes down to how well you can move, endure and persevere for the last 6.5 miles.

If I have to pick each leg up and move it one more step to get to this finish line, I will. I’m standing at the brink of mile 21 and I know I’ve come too far to stop and for fuck sake there is no turning around and going back. I don’t even want to look at the route I took to get here, much less try to go through it in reverse. The path to this point happened so subtly for us, no doubt full of pain and anguish, but it was a very slow, steady torture over several years. We were never poured down upon…we handled a little bit at a time, processed and pushed on. Now, when I look back, it rips me apart and tears me inside out: what we’ve lost and what we’ve gained; when we’ve endured and when we’ve succumbed; where we’ve triumphed and where we’ve failed; what we’ve missed and what we’ve experienced…

But, I also see it. I see the puzzle coming together. I see the fight I took on over the last year to crawl out of the devastation and carnage the wake of infertility brings. I see how I’ve worked, albeit inconsistently, but nevertheless, worked my ass off to allow this experience to wash over me, to change me in the best ways possible, to make me more useful, more grateful and more ME than I ever have been.

I see that this move to California allowed me to immerse myself with an entirely new set of stimuli, people, surroundings and experiences. It allowed me to step away from what was in order to see what could be. So much so, that I know the right thing to do is go back. And I know I’m strong enough to do it. I will step back in as the new version of myself; the ever evolving, curious, vulnerable (ish), more settled and more comfortable self.

This has been anything but easy and it will continue in much the same way, I imagine, but I now understand why the fight is so important and I see what can be gained. And I am ready. Whatever the end brings us, I will make it good and I will be grateful.

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