The more we work towards having a baby, the more I think of my lost babies. After undergoing the complete scrutiny of my reproductive system and then our embryos, science tells me there were just too many flaws with both my physical makeup and the quality of the eggs. They were just never to be children of this world.

But, they are children of our world. They. Are. Us. I ache to have never held them. I wonder all of the time if they could feel my love while I carried them. And if they know I love them still.

We may one day have a child we get to hold, kiss and guide — A child of this world. We’ll know if they have my eye color, Jason’s nose; my stubbornness, Jason’s accuracy; my smile, Jason’s laugh…and we are working very hard to make that happen. But, make no mistake–a child of this world will not replace the children that will always remain only in our world. We carry them in our hearts.

i carry your heart with me
ee. cummings

i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)