I’ve always wanted to be easy, non-dramatic, go with the flow.  I accomplished that to varying degrees for a long time.  I was always “fine.” Until I wasn’t.  I’ve found I have to stay away from “I’m fine” like an alcoholic has to stay away from a drink.

“Fine” is so enticing for me.  Like a cosy warm blanket giving the illusion of control, composure and happiness. But it isn’t real.  And the victory of being “fine” only lasts for a minute.  Because after you are “fine” you are alone.

“Fine” has robbed me of help, growth, understanding, belonging, contentment and oodles of connection!

My lines have been so blurred throughout the years, I truly do not know at points if I am fine or not fine.  My fine/not fine meter is completely undeveloped!

So, I don’t allow it anymore.  I can’t allow it.  I have to “use my words” as my friends say to their toddler.

Happy, angry, joyful, confused, afraid, content, amused, embarrassed, fascinated, flustered, cheerful, irritated, sad, peaceful, relieved, panicked, triumphant… Any word other than “fine.”