Sharing Pain

Pain is so messy, so unhinging, so inexplicable… I don’t think it was ever a conscious decision not to let others in on my pain. Part of it is how I am wired. The other part was learned. As a teenager and young adult, I revealed pain only when it bubbled over so much I…

We Carry Them In Our Hearts

The more we work towards having a baby, the more I think of my lost babies. After undergoing the complete scrutiny of my reproductive system and then our embryos, science tells me there were just too many flaws with both my physical makeup and the quality of the eggs. They were just never to be children of this world….

Get Out Of The Way

Recently, Jason took our pup Edie on an overnight camping trip. Our younger dog, Cooper, stayed home with me. My heart was in a million pieces watching Cooper cope. First searching the house aimlessly for them, letting out an occasional quiet whine followed by a sigh (he is very dramatic). Our long walk was a…

I Don’t Know

When people ask me questions now, I only reply, “I don’t know.” I thought I may have reached the point of total exhaustion. I thought I may have become numb and apathetic. I thought I may have lost my strength. I simply came to the end of myself and got comfortable with the limits of…

What Infertility Did To Me

It… hurt me. scared me. threatened me. scarred me. broke my heart. tore at my spirit. uncovered my limits. forced me to dig deep. helped me understand. guided me to find strength. restored my compassion. showed my courage. inspired grace. encouraged joy. It made me…more ME. I’m coming to believe the healed scars from our…

Mile 21

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally—mostly mentally, but I also promised this ol’ bod, no more procedures — she is D-U-N, done. I’m having trouble keeping my emotions in check due to a hormone roller coaster of stim drugs, birth control and now straight estrogen. But, I know we are close to the end. The end…

You Don’t Get It

I feel like this one may come across a little angry (and who knows, maybe when I wrote it, I was a little angry – I honestly can’t remember), so I want to further explain myself.  It’s hard to know what to say or do when someone we care about is going through a terrible experience. We…

To My Strong, Able, Beautiful Body…

It is one thing to make peace with your body, it is an entirely different animal to whole-heartedly love it, cherish it, and truly believe it is beautiful in all of its various shapes, forms and conditions. It is especially hard to do this when it is broken. In the past five years, I’ve been…

Shame?

I cried for the first time ever today talking to someone about their new baby. Thankfully, it was a phone conversation. Thankfully, I was able to recover with only a little hitch in my voice. I was trying to find common ground. Trying to relate. She said, “He is 4 months,” to which I responded,…

Life Currency

I read this article about body currency and the author, Jes Baker, says, “It goes like something this: we are taught as a society that IF we achieve the ideal body that we see in traditional media (and not before) we will then obtain love, worthiness, success and ultimately- happiness.  Which is what we all…

A Dose of Self Compassion

Here we go… This is where it started.  The writing, that is, the infertility thing started several years ago.  I originally thought I would just keep adding to this, sort of like a journal, which is why it is ungodly long, but, nope — not how things worked out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I’ve been going through something…