I’ve always wanted to be easy, non-dramatic, go with the flow.  I accomplished that to varying degrees for a long time.  I was always “fine.” Until I wasn’t.  I’ve found I have to stay away from “I’m fine” like an alcoholic has to stay away from a drink. “Fine” is so enticing for me.  Like a cosy…

My fifth pregnancy was a total surprise– we weren’t even trying. We weren’t even thinking about trying. We had stepped off the roller coaster of counting days, chlomid, and ovulation strips almost two years prior. If you haven’t had to do any magic tricks on your pregnancy journey, rock on. It sucks and the obligatory, timed out…

Sometimes when people tell me they are pregnant my whole body tenses and I reflexively suck my breath in.  It’s a 100% knee-jerk reaction. It’s fear. I’m fearful for them.  Is that not so crazy sad? Fear and heartache is what I have come to know with pregnancy. It is what I have come to feel…

I’ve been stewing on this “change the miscarriage / infertility conversation” idea for a while.  This was written several months ago and directed at people who have not experienced miscarriage or infertility.  Now I think it is time to take a hard look at how those who have experienced these things are also shaping the conversation….

Pain is so messy, so unhinging, so inexplicable… I don’t think it was ever a conscious decision not to let others in on my pain. Part of it is how I am wired. The other part was learned. As a teenager and young adult, I revealed pain only when it bubbled over so much I…

The more we work towards having a baby, the more I think of my lost babies. After undergoing the complete scrutiny of my reproductive system and then our embryos, science tells me there were just too many flaws with both my physical makeup and the quality of the eggs. They were just never to be children of this world….

Recently, Jason took our pup Edie on an overnight camping trip. Our younger dog, Cooper, stayed home with me. My heart was in a million pieces watching Cooper cope. First searching the house aimlessly for them, letting out an occasional quiet whine followed by a sigh (he is very dramatic). Our long walk was a…

When people ask me questions now, I only reply, “I don’t know.” I thought I may have reached the point of total exhaustion. I thought I may have become numb and apathetic. I thought I may have lost my strength. I simply came to the end of myself and got comfortable with the limits of…

It… hurt me. scared me. threatened me. scarred me. broke my heart. tore at my spirit. uncovered my limits. forced me to dig deep. helped me understand. guided me to find strength. restored my compassion. showed my courage. inspired grace. encouraged joy. It made me…more ME. I’m coming to believe the healed scars from our…

I’m exhausted, physically and mentally—mostly mentally, but I also promised this ol’ bod, no more procedures — she is D-U-N, done. I’m having trouble keeping my emotions in check due to a hormone roller coaster of stim drugs, birth control and now straight estrogen. But, I know we are close to the end. The end…

I feel like this one may come across a little angry (and who knows, maybe when I wrote it, I was a little angry – I honestly can’t remember), so I want to further explain myself.  It’s hard to know what to say or do when someone we care about is going through a terrible experience. We…

It is one thing to make peace with your body, it is an entirely different animal to whole-heartedly love it, cherish it, and truly believe it is beautiful in all of its various shapes, forms and conditions. It is especially hard to do this when it is broken. In the past five years, I’ve been…